Pain she could take..numbness she couldn't handle. You think the other person no longer has an hold over you and then comes a phone call... and you are numb inside. If there was pain, it was easy to understand..numbness is hard to fathom. It is like a distance dream of yesteryear.. vaguely familiar but a dream.. mostly beautiful that is how she liked to remember.

They say memories are lovely. Yet she somehow couldn't think of any of them together. It seemed all hazy.. Does this mean she has moved on finally? Is freedom this feeling of detachment and numbness or is this just a phase till another object of obsession came along. Life seemed to be moving from one dream to another...

Mostly fast paced dream sometimes mind-numbing slow...so slow that you can feel every second pass by you..doing nothing just watching and you wonder what have you been waiting for..

She waited for perfect love since the time she could remember. Was it the movies that encouraged the idea, or those countless sitcoms that she and mum would watch together over a hot cup of cocoa; she didn't know. But an ideal soul-mate was what she wanted always. But every time her heart was broken and with every pain she resolved harder to get it right the next time. 

Soon the next time turned into a game of wait.. long long wait marked with extreme loneliness, frustration and sadness... then the loneliness didn't matter much.. It became a part of her, she accepted it and soon she became numb to everything around her. Nothing moved her, nothing affected her. Some would say she achieved peace finally. Some say  she is plain old hag.
" I don't know who I am anymore. I know not what is happiness, I know not sadness. I don't care for peace nor give a hoot about it! I only exist now...waiting... "

WHEN JOURNEY MEANT MORE THAN DESTINATION

This post has been published by me as a part of the Blog-a-Ton 25; the Silver Edition of the online marathon of Bloggers; where we decide and we write. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton. The topic for this month is 'When Journey Meant More Than Destination'.

Beauty was not her thing .She had ordinary wavy but stubborn hair that refused to stay and fell all over her face. The pimpled cheeks ( thank you, puberty) and the hideous glasses which she had since 9th standard, said she was anything but pretty. That made her work hard and study.

But competition was fierce; and struggling in a premium institute to prove herself was beyond the word frustration.Turns out, there were many more smarter than her, and better looking too. " Life is indeed a bitch.. " she thought. Moreover, it turned out semi stalking a guy for 3 months was not a pleasant thing either. Well, what do you do, when the guy is the smartest on campus ( who FYI had traveled abroad to present papers in conferences , and was a brilliant playwright) but look at him and give a goofy smile at every failed attempt of casual conversation.

There is always research help that one can pretend to ask. But how long can that conversation last?

Then like in any other movies, off came few tresses, and roommates who redesigned the wardrobe made her believe she was indeed a hottie. But then, she never did care much for looks, was it for him that she did it? No! She did it for herself. Yet, he did talk to her after the play . "Maybe beauty makes an impression after all, sometimes better than the brains", she thought.

And soon began the late night chats and the long walks..neither admitted anything. She wasn't sure and he wasn't ready. They talked longer hours and soon she decided to tell how she felt, he wasn't ready then. But when he was ready, she thought may be it wasn't love. The roommate who heard the stories thought both were crazy. ( not crazy in love, just the usual crazy)

They did talk later too, may be about the feelings too, I don't remember but she told me about what he said to her about their first meeting; " I noticed you in hostel mess, with glasses on and unkempt hair and knew that I could come over and talk" She figured he didn't care for her looks and those words changed her. Did they get into the relationship? No, they didn't. She told me, it wouldn't work out and they didn't want to try.

Was there any point in the whole story and talks that went on for months? Was there any point in the confession of feelings which later changed with the season? Was there any point in that long moonlight walk when he told her she looked beautiful? Perhaps not. Perhaps the point was not to be in a relationship, that is no end. There is only meeting of two worlds. Perhaps the point was not to meet but to just be in each other's presence with no end road or destination. Just the journey and the presence.

The fellow Blog-a-Tonics who took part in this Blog-a-Ton and links to their respective posts can be checked here. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton.

Tale of words IV

Read Tale of words I and Tale of words II and Tale of words III

If only B knew the language of Silence, the language of the Yaksha, the language of the Nature....To catch the gap between the words, to feel the life in between the breath, to sense the touch without the actual touching and to feel the presence in the absence is what makes life worthwhile..That is what the tale of words is all about.. not to breath meaning into the words but to know the space within the letters and to know the words... the language of the Yaksha. But then could A say it all to B? He would have to betray the language that he just learnt then. All A said to B was , "Listen to the whispers of the infinity .." and smiled..

Together A and B walked back...

Tale of words III

Read Tale of words I and Tale of words II

A and B needed to know the secret behind words. They went to the hills and began to search for that one person who knew. People said he was very old. No one knew when he was born. They all remember him staying at the top of the hill in a small hut and looking at the valleys below. Nobody knew his name, we can call him Yaksha. Yakshas know all the secrets and so did he.

A and B reached the place of Yaksha and saw him waiting for them as if he knew they would come to him. He did not say a word and merely looked. They sat in front of him not knowing what to say. For a moment they forgot the purpose of their journey. Having travelled all over they just relaxed looking at the valleys below along with Yaksha.

They kept staring for along time. Perhaps this was some sort of prayer and they sat with him. They kept thinking about their friends, their village, their wives. They thought why they had come there. They thought about the people in the valley. They thought about Yaksha and what he did for a living

It began to grow dark yet not a word was uttered among them. A and B had rested well and figured it was time to talk to Yaksha. But he kept looking down at the valley. A and B decided they were hungry and cooked few vegetables and rice. They gave some of it to Yaksha.

After food Yaksha went in and got few blankets and laid them out on the ground and lay staring at sky. "More staring!!!" thought B and looked at A. A however lay next to Yaksha and stared at the sky which was now light with stars. "If I have come all this way, I might as well do this" thought A.

B also decided to lay down as he had no where else to be. He couldn't lay there doing nothing. He started counting stars and went up till 16,740 and then decided to stop. It made no sense. A and Yaksha continued to stare at the sky in silence. B decided he would look at the stars and see what kind of animals he could find in the sky. He saw camel head, pig snout, a whole elephant, a bear and he could even see his grandma's face.

A lay for long time staring ta the stars wondering if they would speak to him. Wind was blowing gently across his face and soon it began to whisper softly in to his hear. At first he couldn't hear it clearly but soon he could hear them sing. The song telling him about the words.. it was song of the words. He fell asleep with sweet melody singing into his ears.

Next day morning A woke up early and made a cup of tea for the 3 of them. B wanted to go back to the town as he felt the whole journey was a waste of time and Yaksha knew nothing.

A decided to take leave of Yaksha and went up to him. He kissed his feet and looked into his eyes. A could not thank him and he knew there was no point thanking. His tears washed the feet of Yaksha. Yaksha smiled at him knowing that he had arrived and watched him go back along with B.

B watched the whole scene and thought something was up with A

Just another tale

It was 11.30 in the morning and all her household chores were done. Manu was at the tour and children would come back from school only in the evening. The house felt strangely empty. When her Mother-in- Law used to be around, she would have endless chores of cleaning the Puja room twice a day, arranging for the Puja, making garlands, cleaning the lamps and preparing prasadam while her mother-in- law watched her like a hawk to see if she did it all right.

It must be an Iyer family tradition or the law of nature, but it is a known fact that mothers in law and daughters in law can never be friends. She did not expect a friendly Mother-in- Law, her mother had taught her well about that if not anything else. Her Mother- in- Law was not exactly a vile woman, but she was not an angel either. Be it in the kitchen about the true tamil sambar taste, or how sweet adirasam was supposed to be; Or her wardrobe on the colour of her sarees , and the length of her blouse sleeves; the woman had problem with everything she did And she always complied to her wishes only because Manu wanted her to. But now things had changed.

She now had the floors of the kitchen redone with vinyl flooring. The one that she always wanted and painted the kitchen in beige colour instead of yellow. Kitchen now looked sleek and modern and grinding stone now was replaced by the machine which saved her a lot of time. That was one thing her Mother- In- Law never let her buy. She believed that dosa batter was better if it was grinded in the stone with hand and made her grind it for hours together especially when her daughter and Manu's sister came down from US. While the family listened to her sister in law' stories with accent, she sat in the kitchen grinding.

Things were different now, she had things her way. Victory some how doesn't taste as sweet as she imagined it would. There was no regretting the decision she had made. Manu supported her this time. It was for everybody's good, thinking this she went to her cupboard and decided to clean it. Her Mother In- Law insisted on keeping the house spic and span and made sure she kept it that way. Guess, although her mother- in- law was gone, she has managed to stay on.

While cleaning the cupboard, something fell down. She looked at the beautiful brown hand embroidery patterns on the plain white cloth. It was a design that she seen on a cushion at the backseat of her friend's car years ago. She loved the design so much that she had copied it on the tissue paper and had to reproduce it on an old white salwar. It was an Egyptian Pharoah with intricate golden jewelery. She started it at the time she was pregnant with her Aditi, her first daughter. She couldn't finish the design and it was left lying in the cupboard for years until now.

People always asked her why not try the sewing machine that gave several options and made patterned stitches of several kinds and all you had to do was choose the type and let the machine do the rest. But she loved her Nani's method of hand stiching. Her Mausi wanted her to learn knitting. A true girl from Shimla must know knitting was what her mausi used to say. But knitting was never her thing. Her love was embroidery. She loved to watch her Nani meticulously prick and dip the needle and gently pull them out; in and out, in and out and slowly as if out of magic; flowers, elephants, peacocks, village women would appear. It fascinated how stitch by stitch, inch by inch, a form appeared out of nothing. It had been her passion for long. But being married into an Iyer household and learning the customs that were almost alien, she just didn't get time for it.

The rains

'Rains wash away your sins', her grandmother used to say. She doubted if today's rain can free her from this guilt and pain. Like a movie, scenes of her past came before her and she tried all kinds of explanations to justify her actions so that she could at least redeem herself in her eyes. God, was long forgotten. She neither believed nor disbelieved him and she hardly prayed Her mind was busy thinking of different scenarios , full of if onlys , yet the present continued to be as distasteful as before.Future was anyway bleak and present she didn't want to be in.

It was drizzling outside and she could see the rain drops gently kissing the blades of grass and those yellow daffodils in the garden, kissing the roads of the street and her rusty gate. She remembered what he said" You are perfect the way you are", and she desperately wanted to believe him if only she could wipe off her slate. She kept falling into the same trap, make the same old mistakes and succumb to the same old weakness. Every attempt to be strong and feel strong seemed futile.

The rain was now falling harder and she went to the courtyard. She went outside and stood in the rain and she let the rain kiss her face, her palms, her shoulders and got completely drenched. "Maybe it was true, rains do wash away your sins", She thought and smiled.

An ordinary love story II

Lets just assume this is not the end. The Universe does give them a second. The story now doesn't seem that ordinary at all! Well the girl comes back and both confess their love and even went on a date. Now that sounds pretty ordinary, but when it is the first love it never is ordinary. The first teddy bear gift, the first lunch out and deciding to give long distance a shot. So.. so.. so.. and thus the long distance relation was sealed:)

Can their love survive the distance? Can any love survive the distance? One can only hope in love, to give up easily seems too dastardly and one must give love a chance. Somebody should. I'm glad they did.

Ex- boyfriend does lurk around somewhere waiting to play his role. Somebody should make this story un-ordinary ( I know there is no such term, but I prefer this to not-so- ordinary, so kindly bear) with ex boyfriend, boy and a girl it should make a perfect love triangle and there is nothing ordinary about a love triangle ( in spite of what Bollywood and Hollywood tells you).

So lets just assume love can survive distance and hope like a someone does in love and pray like someone in love and wait like someone in love.......

P.s. written on request for a sequel

An ordinary love story

Everyone dreams of a love story, a perfect one that too. So did she and found it too. Well, but then Universe does have a strange sense of irony. He wasn't the type that went after the girls. No, it wasn't that he didn't like the chase, he was just plain shy. And she was just so friendly that it didn't seem right. While she thought he was way too perfect and sweet for her.

For a long time they kept ignoring the obvious, but Cupid isn’t the kind that can be ignored. Nah, he takes his business way too seriously. Once the arrows are struck, they leave a mark forever.By the time they realized the game of the Cupid and admitted the feelings, the Universe had to play the bad guy, and send her back to her land.

Happy ending are not for everyone. But who wants happy ending anyway? What is lost is what is remembered the most. The stolen kiss definitely is memorable, and has given her hope for many a passionate kisses that could have been shared. As always the imagined joys are sweeter than the reality.

P.s This post is written as a birthday gift to one of my dear student, Mirla. Happy Bday Mirla :)

The morning mist

This post has been published by me as a part of the Blog-a-Ton 20; the twentieth edition of the online marathon of Bloggers; where we decide and we write. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton.

The morning mist reminded him of her. It had been her ritual - staring across the window while Kantabai, served their morning coffee. He liked his coffee hot and strong and she preferred keeping her coffee waiting, just like she had kept him waiting all these years. He never really knew how to wait, Oh! He hated waiting, but she had taught him to wait.

Being a Assistant Director of a multinational company, he always had a hectic schedule. He wouldn’t call himself workaholic but she had always made fun of him, asking him to ‘ jump a little, dance a little, sing a little.’ He never really understood her- He couldn’t understand what could make someone stare for ages together at the clouds and trees.....

As he kept watching the morning mist, he didn't realize that his coffee had turned cold.....

'We can still be friends',
she said, after they broke up.
They never discussed the how
Nobody talks about the how anyway.
A year and half with her
was a long time for him.
But longer than that
was the time needed
to forget, to erase and to heal.
Like the rest in her life, He too slipped away.
Very slowly at first...
And soon she couldn't recall his name.
' We can still be friends'
thats what she said.

The fellow Blog-a-Tonics who took part in this Blog-a-Ton and links to their respective posts can be checked here. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton.

Credits

Image - Window Rain Drops by Eric Alder
Courtesy - www.deviantart.com via www.blogaton.in

The Journey

The road lead to nowhere and he stared at it for a long time. Finally, Simon decided to take that road. Oh, I forgot to introduce Simon to you, the most uncomplicated person on the planet with non-conflicting thoughts and conflicting emotions. I know that seems an impossible combination, but then writers cant have the same old tall, dark handsome characters or the Machiavellian types. So here is an improbable character making an equally improbable journey to nowhere.

When Simon was 5, he wanted to be a truck driver. He loved watching huge red trucks that was driven and fancied owning one when he grew much bigger. When he was 8, he wanted to own a farm like his grandfather did. He could drive the tractor all day long, watch the huge fields, yell at the labourers and in the evenings sit and listen to jazz just like his grandfather did. By the time he was 13 he had decided to be a pilot so that he could fly to different places; Australia, Malaysia, and all the other countries that the geography teacher used to talk about.

At 25,you would expect him to have it all figured out, engineering didn't help with that and hence the road to nowhere. Is there a city called nowhere? Yes, there is. In Simon's mind, it is all very true, very real.

p.s. the character in the story is named after my student in class.I had promised him that I will write a story for him. Rest all is fictional, only the name is borrowed :)

The summer

Summer romances are never meant to last. She didn't know how it happened, she wasn't the kind that believed in cheating, she would certainly not advocate it. She didn't know if it was love. May be it was, may be it wasn't.But the pain,that was definitely there and she knew that was real. Why should she cry after all? She was going to get married to the guy who loved her to death but she wanted someone who gave her reasons to live. Sweetest things in life are always short lived, she had to let go and think of the life ahead.

*****

He knew she was engaged to someone else. What attracted him was her spirit to live, the will to survive against all odds, that perhaps kept their hopes alive.. a hope to change life's fortune to their favour. Somebody has asked him," Was it love or just an attraction?" He didn't really know the answer to that one. For the first time in his life, he was happy, it was indeed the best summer of his life. And in a month's time she would be married and he would be forgotten.

*****

He refused to believe that she could cheat on him. He loved her more than he loved himself,he worshipped her. He couldn't bear the idea of losing her. He was willing to forgive her and take her back. He knew she wasn't happy now,but he would prove her that their love was indeed true. "Summer romances never last and they never will", he thought to himself and smiled.

She could afford to cry today. There was no shoot tomorrow. In profession like hers crying was a luxury. She had to look beautiful, that was why she was paid. She was paid to smile, and look beautiful.....

As a child, she was proud of being the beautiful daughter. She was the centre of attention at the weddings, birthday parties and other functions. She liked being noticed and it was her mothers dream that she become the face of the nation. Ms India , the day she won the title, her mother was the happiest person. She felt like she has achieved it all. But now, it felt like a curse....

Yes, a curse. She hated having to smile at them all. She hated being polite and dignified. She hated being everyone's doll. She hated having to be beautiful....

But today, she would cry. All the unshed tears began to pour down. She wept like a baby. Strangely after a many years, she felt alive and human and she wept again..

.........................

It was an imagined city full of imagined people with imagined stories to tell. Untouched by reality, floating in the dreams, destiny changing at your will. She lived there almost all the time.. Life around her held no meaning, she preferred to live in the imagined city. You may think she is crazy, but for her, you are just one of the imagined people from the imagined city telling her an imagined story.

Just a glance

You couldn't call it a relationship. Not theirs. But its just that she was used to seeing him now everyday, it seemed like one. Everyday as she waved her husband and kids goodbye from her balcony, she would wait for him to come out. All she needed was a glance and she was happy with it. She didn't know his name. Neither did he. At least thats what she thought. She knew he was in the field of advertising, Mrs Rathna from 405 had told her. She knew for sure he was single, no girls visited him. Just a couple of guy friends. (You cant help noticing things these stuff when you are a neighbour next door.) She hoped she wasn't gay, he didn't look like one. He always dressed in plain light coloured, clean pressed shirts with black stripped pants.

It wasn't that she had an unhappy married life. A Husband who adored her, kids who loved her but her life was always predictable and she liked looking forward to something. It wasn't like she was cheating on her husband. But there was some joy in just dreaming and not realising it. No sweet nothings, no tiny kisses, no declaration of love, no possession of love. Just a little glance that is all.

Story VII- Final piece

Every relationship she had been in, she thought it would last. Hoped and prayed. Now that He was willing to offer it, she turned it down and ran away before she felt weak. Was she afraid of "forever and ever afters"? All her life, she has been wanting to settle down, with that one someone who she could share her her everyday secrets, laugh and even cry and be herself. Now that she was here, in Kerala on a vacation alone for the first time, she didn't feel alone. Even in her apartment in Banjara, she lived alone, yet going to an empty always reminded her of her loneliness, that loneliness now felt like freedom.

Nikki looked around the restaurant and saw couples, families, friends and for the first time, she was not envious. She smiled. A real smile, as she drank her coffee. She had been searching for a missing piece to complete herself, not realizing she was born a complete picture, true to itself.

Story VI

Now that Nikki was in Kerala, she should have been fine right? New place, New people to meet. Yet this mind and heart was still the same. She had left it behind in Hyderabad... the urge to call him, was so strong. She only wanted to hear his again. To tell her that it would be all right and she should just trust him. She still had a choice. Sigh! The choice!

It was a choice that she made 4 years ago...to be a second fiddle, to shatter some child's dream, to wreck a marriage and live with that guilt. That guilt tasted sweet, too sweet until her stomach began to cry 'no more'.

**********

He met her the same place they met the first time to tell her that he had made a decision. He wanted her. He was willing to walk out of 15 years of marriage for her sake. He was willing to leave behind his son to be with her. He was willing to offer her all that she ever dreamed off and even more. A marriage and a life! And yet she walked out on him, on them and their future.

***********

Now that Nikki thought of it, agreeing to be someone's mistress seeemed easier than to be someone's wife. Strange!

Tale of wordsII

the first part of the story: Tale of words.

What keeps the words together? What gives them meaning? Words have no existence without the meaning. Meaning gives life to every word. But words in itself have no meaning, who gives them the meaning? What keeps the words together?

A and B thought hard to secret behind words. They needed to know the tale of words and only person knew it.

StoryIV

Nikki never thought she would be one of those clingy types. She was brought up to be a strong independent woman; her job and her flat in Banjara Hills; (one of the costliest areas in Hyderabad, mind you!)should be proof enough. Not that she minded him going back to his wife on weekdays, weekends were always for her. That was the arrangement. Yet the times she didn't get to see him, times he didn't answer her phone or reply to her messages, she felt alone and lost.

*******

"What is your biggest fear?" he had asked her on the first meeting.
" Failure," she replied.
" No ," he pressed again,"I asked the biggest fear?"
" That is my biggest fear." (It was partly true. I mean, I do sometimes fear what would happen to me if i lost my job and stuff right?)
" No, You are lying."
"Are you trying to psychoanalyse me , mister?"
" May be,I am" and he smiles. (Oh God! The Guy has a killer smile.No!No!. You can't be falling for a smile!)
She laughed. The truth was she just couldn't admit to her fear yet. People did see her as a confidant, modern woman, but like all , she was as scared as anyone. Afraid of making mistakes, afraid of turning out to be big failure, afraid that people around do not like her, afraid that one day if she dies, there would be no one to cry for her. But that was not what scared her the most, no matter how much she tried to change it, it just remained deep within her heart.

However, things had changed after she had met him. She had learned to take a chance, a chance in love and allowed herself to get hurt,... the betrayal and distrust and lies and some more lies.... And finally learnt that although her fears were well grounded, she could sometimes take a chance....

StoryII

People said they weren't right for each other. Friends warned her, he wasn't her type. But she was in love, madly in love. That is the problem with love. Not only is it blind, but deaf and dumb too. You stop using your faculties of mind, it stops working and heart takes over completely. Thats what happened to her when she met him for the first time. She never believed in love at 1st sight, yet that day..
It was 24th may, 2007 they met at a coffee house. She had a bad day that day and the friend who was supposed to meet her in the coffee house, stood her up. It was awkward to sit alone in a coffee house and sip coffee alone, " height of loneliness," she thought. Thats true, she was lonely. Well, she did have friends. making friends was always easy for her. But none of them knew her. There was Megs a.k.a Meghna Mathur, her roomie whom she could always rely on, there was Siddharth, a cute guy in office who has now come to be her new friend whom she shared stuff with ( coz Megs now has a boyfriend) and who she had a teeny weeny crush on. She was lost in her thoughts, that's when she caught him staring at her through his book and to her surprise, he walked up to her and sat right across her on the table...

Tale of words

A has been trying to write for a long time now. He couldn't find his words. He called them out loud. they didn't come. B comes to the rescue. A and B together go and search for some words. They go up North, and then to the East and West and finally to the South. They did find lot a words but there was a problem. A and B tried to put them all together, but they didn't seem to belong there. They tried all permutations and combinations, yet words seem to make no sense. What was missing?

How would you want to end the story? am kinda stuck. Will come back a week later. You can give in your endings :D