A bday post

One is taught to believe life is supposed to make sense, one needs a goal and achieve the goal, fall in love, marry and have kids. Love again is supposed to be with this imperfect somebody who is supposed to be perfect for you. But there comes a time in life,when neither love nor life makes any sense. All the values that one cherishes on friendship, love , commitment , relations, success all fades out out and what remains are some vague ideas. Strangely a random stranger encounter can bring back the sense of identity or rather bring back the lost pieces of life. The randomness then seems like a careful design and the purpose lies to discover oneself better on all levels. To see life in a manner one has not seen before, to share moments that otherwise would have been mundane ...for all that and more, I thank you...

Dedicated to all those who have left an impression in my life and taught me something about me, helped to know me better.

P.s. I had a great bday:)

Somebody told me words like 'never' and 'forever' don't exist. Is it really so? It is all relative and nothing is absolute? Why then do we run behind forevers and hold on to the nevers? Where did this need for absoluteness come from? We seek assurance and absolute certainty, yet momentary assurance and momentary certainty is all we get.
Then the merry go round goes again. round and round and round, coming back to the same spot. Like always. Like ever before.Nothing changes. You go all around only to come back to the same spot. The spot where it all began, where the ride began. Round and round and round.

randomness

Yesterday went away like a dream and I thank you for making it so beautiful. I am yet to know what life is all about as I see it passing by me so quickly, I get scared.
A need for a partner exists so that somebody can witness your life, a need for children so that you continue to remain after you die, a need to be remembered long after you are gone.... All these needs drive you to work for society, family, friends and what not...
Yet, as I live, I fail to witness my own life! It is such an irony.. Even after knowing its all in me, and I just need to be, I continue running around, It is an irony...

Just a glance

You couldn't call it a relationship. Not theirs. But its just that she was used to seeing him now everyday, it seemed like one. Everyday as she waved her husband and kids goodbye from her balcony, she would wait for him to come out. All she needed was a glance and she was happy with it. She didn't know his name. Neither did he. At least thats what she thought. She knew he was in the field of advertising, Mrs Rathna from 405 had told her. She knew for sure he was single, no girls visited him. Just a couple of guy friends. (You cant help noticing things these stuff when you are a neighbour next door.) She hoped she wasn't gay, he didn't look like one. He always dressed in plain light coloured, clean pressed shirts with black stripped pants.

It wasn't that she had an unhappy married life. A Husband who adored her, kids who loved her but her life was always predictable and she liked looking forward to something. It wasn't like she was cheating on her husband. But there was some joy in just dreaming and not realising it. No sweet nothings, no tiny kisses, no declaration of love, no possession of love. Just a little glance that is all.

randomness

All my life, I valued friends a lot. I have worked on relations, loved and given a lot. Hurt people too at times. All this while I had a feeling that I mattered after all, I am cared after all. But a point comes in your life, when you begin to question every relation around you. What is friendship all about? Is it sharing bits of your life with someone? or just being there? What if the other person, ain't sharing.. then? Does that mean you are valued less? Or that you are just expecting more?
Relationship equations are extremely weird. It is difficult to judge a relation by someone 's actions yet you only have actions to vouch for. Words are anyway flimsy, if you see that way, actions are flimsy too. To know love and seek happiness is an eternal need. To seek that in a relationship is stupidity, to seek in a friendship even more stupid......

An Introduction

How shall I define Me?

Have I known this Me?

I think not.

Yet I am told to introduce Me

So, I begin to summon the words,

weaving them together in magic.

The Angel sends: smart, caring

beautiful,kind, sweet , friendly

lovely, affectionate, cute,

energetic, funny...

All the Best words have come today

To make you love me,

admire me and respect me...

Can these words win me respect?

Can they guarantee love in life?

Painted lies and painted truth are alike

Tell you, the whole truth I must

So I call the Devil who brings along

shabby, chaotic,wild,

Egoist and restless.

More words to define me.

But somehow these words fall short.

I am more than these words,

They cannot contain me.

I am more than the Angel and the Devil in me.

I touch them all and go beyond

Encompassing them all within me, into me

And spreading across 'joy' that is truely me.

P.s. I have been asked to introduce myself in a staff meeting and hence the poem :)

Story VII- Final piece

Every relationship she had been in, she thought it would last. Hoped and prayed. Now that He was willing to offer it, she turned it down and ran away before she felt weak. Was she afraid of "forever and ever afters"? All her life, she has been wanting to settle down, with that one someone who she could share her her everyday secrets, laugh and even cry and be herself. Now that she was here, in Kerala on a vacation alone for the first time, she didn't feel alone. Even in her apartment in Banjara, she lived alone, yet going to an empty always reminded her of her loneliness, that loneliness now felt like freedom.

Nikki looked around the restaurant and saw couples, families, friends and for the first time, she was not envious. She smiled. A real smile, as she drank her coffee. She had been searching for a missing piece to complete herself, not realizing she was born a complete picture, true to itself.

Story VI

Now that Nikki was in Kerala, she should have been fine right? New place, New people to meet. Yet this mind and heart was still the same. She had left it behind in Hyderabad... the urge to call him, was so strong. She only wanted to hear his again. To tell her that it would be all right and she should just trust him. She still had a choice. Sigh! The choice!

It was a choice that she made 4 years ago...to be a second fiddle, to shatter some child's dream, to wreck a marriage and live with that guilt. That guilt tasted sweet, too sweet until her stomach began to cry 'no more'.

**********

He met her the same place they met the first time to tell her that he had made a decision. He wanted her. He was willing to walk out of 15 years of marriage for her sake. He was willing to leave behind his son to be with her. He was willing to offer her all that she ever dreamed off and even more. A marriage and a life! And yet she walked out on him, on them and their future.

***********

Now that Nikki thought of it, agreeing to be someone's mistress seeemed easier than to be someone's wife. Strange!

Demons in me

Tried and tested so many ways to put the demons to rest. They are born out of me and exist because of me. So how come they seem more powerful than me? Are they truly more powerful than me or I have merely assumed it? Where lies the power then? In that which is my creation and reside in me or the whole of me? If the demons are created by me, they can be destroyed by me as well.. But then as long as I exist, demons exist too. So, the only way to destroy them is to destroy myself. Is there any other way?

A borrowed life

You see this room?

Nothing here is mine.

Clothes in the hanger, in the dryer

the books and CDs on the shelf,

shoes on the rack.

None of it, is mine.

They stay here, like me

as if on a visit.

I see a face in the mirror,

the image; is not me.

a stranger to myself..

many a thoughts in the head

feelings of the heart

words that say them all..

Again don't belong to me.

A Borrowed life,indeed it is.

This is Me!

Cultured I am not
Well behaved I am not
Ladylike I am definitely not
Well mannered I am not
I do not make sense at times
To some I may seem crazy
I love it that way
At times I am shabby
At times casual
My hair sometimes too untidy
and my bed undone
Don't you dare look
inside my cupboard.
And yes I am clueless
in life, about life
I cannot pretend otherwise
I do get angry
and depressed
I am not perfect
This is me...
a part of me, but still me....
I am much more than this mess
Care to look beyond it?

Life is indeed very strange..More I think I know it, the less I seem to know about it.

In fond memory of all agony aunts

Human beings never seize to amaze me! I guess its in our blood, to give away free advices. ( and I don't just mean Indians, there is an agony aunt within each and every human being that gets unleashed every time one perceives an needy soul) What joy lies in advising, I don't know? May be one feels obligated , I don't know. (May be you can tell me about it in the comments section)
May be it occurs since, one has a clueless sign hung on the forehead ( I can't disagree with that one. Confusion seems to be a second natural state of my mind these days!)

One always wonders, does one need advices. All one looks for is a sympathetic ear. As my roomie would say, " Art of listening is a gift. Not many posses it. People believe in giving advises and forget to listen and open their BIG mouth instead." How true...

So one is fated to listen to all the advises for the rest of the life. I wish I could say Shut up!.. but isn't that another advice! sigh! one is caught in ones own trap :)

living life fully

The need to express is but natural, be it anything emotions, ideas, opinions. As human beings it is very important that we do that, even animals find a way to express themselves. Aren't we all taking this freedom for granted. When it is snatched away or forced to do something against the will is when this freedom appears sweet. It is always that way, pastry suddenly seems much sweeter when it almost over, the demand for the last sweet is always the highest, we realise the love for someone when they are far away from us....Why do we wait for so long to realise this, life is in fact to be enjoyed every second. We wait for an accident or another slight brush with death to know the gift of life that we are blessed with...

Perhaps we can do our bit to save this beautiful earth while it is still beautiful than regret later for things that have happened and fret about it.. first step is being a vegetarian :D

Why vegetarian?? More on it later :)

the real me :)

I get so confused around here.. took me one hour to figure out, how to write a new post.. I do that every time.. I am technologically challenged..yeah.. :) so people are yet to get over the shock of priyadutta ( which my sister pointed out is 'priyadatha') ... Sourov was saying how he likes Sanskrit names and said he loved this name..my turn to be shocked... I never liked my name a s a kid.. priyadatha, i thought was old fashioned and sharika was just really bad.. Half of them mispronounced my name as 'sarika' or ' shakira' or' shrika' ( my voters id does say my name is shrika hapali). SO i basically thought this was a weird name that only mallus pronounced properly and in karnataka and in mangalore the chances of my name getting right is like 2%..I always had to tell people, remember kamala hassan's wife?? just add an 'h' to it :)

My name' sharika' means parrot in malayalam which again i thought was unfair .. my sister gets cool name 'shalini' (which means the one with all good manners and basically embodiment of goodness) and i becoe parrot. I am talkative so i guess it fits me well.. plus I am good at imitating people.. get accent right when it comes to learning languages, then i lose my patience and then just leave it half done.. sigh :)